1. |
SHOUTOUTS
00:40
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Just gotta shout out some people before I get this album started
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2. |
Can I Take U Up On That?
02:19
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Jenna, when we were 19
I stayed with you in college and I slept on your floor (like a peekanese)
You told me I could share the bed with you
I just didn't really get what you were going for
Well now I'm 32 years old
I rent an apartment and the shower doesn't work
And it kinda looks like you're married but I can't tell
Well can I take you up on that?
Cause I'm living in a studio apartment with my ex
Can I take you up on that?
We could have mediocre sex
Christie, in 8th grade you told your friends
You were gonna give me brain that weekend
My school counselor overheard and he told me I should tell you
"Let's just be friends"
He called me to his office
To chat about oral
Then I promptly broke up with you
Cause he made it sound immoral
My counselor said I could come back
Anytime I wanted to have another chat
Mr Kerns, Can I take you up on that?
I just went through a break-up, I could use some reassurance
Can I take you up on that?
And I can't find a therapist who takes my insurance
Trish, at the end of 8th grade
You signed my yearbook with your number
You said I should come over that summer
You told me that your dad is such a great drummer
Now I'm wise and I realize
Your dad told you to do that cause he wanted more drum students
And I showed some potential and interest
But I was never slickest, fastest, loudest, or quickest
Though I was a limp wrist, your dad must have witnessed
A stick flip or a rim click that piqued his interest
(young Brian plays a jazz-samba groove on the skins)
Can I take your Dad up on that?
Cause I'm still not where I would like to be as a drummer
Can I take your Dad up on that?
Me and your pops doing rudiments all summer
Can I take your Dad up on that?
Maybe he could help with me with my flimsy left wrist
Can I take your Dad up on that?
Could your Dad also double as my therapist?
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3. |
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I grew up tickling the ivories
Playing Ravel & Debussy
I didn't have time for hockey or football
I was aiming for Carnegie Hall
Still haven't made that Carnegie debut
And all these music dreams I outgrew
Sometimes I wanna smash my piano
And get a job selling sporting goods in ohio
I've worked for every children's theater company
And I spent way too many nights playing timpani
I wanna meet a corn-fed girl who doesn't need to live in cities
And we'll spend our days riding atvs & jet skis
ATVs & jet skis
I think I'm done, it's time to have some fun
ATVs & jet skis
Riding on dirt bikes, crashing into my house
And all of our kids will be jocks
I'll raise em to be champs
I'll put creatine in their tater tots
So they can runkickjumpover skateboard ramps
I'll give my children a very strict rule:
"Beat up the music theater kids at school"
No son of mine is singing Jason Robert Brown
Hell no you're not gonna play pipe organ
And my daughter will be really good at hockey
So good that they'll call her the next Wayne Gretsky
She'll make so much money shooting pucks at ladies
And my son might grow up to manage an Applebee's
Applebees & Gretsky's
Yea yea yea yea yea my kids will be jocks
Applebee's and Gretsky's
Because the arts are a gaping hell hole
I was always told that when I got older the jocks would be washing my car
I've never seen those jocks working at a car wash
The jocks all seem to have good jobs in finance or hotel management
They have cute dogs and they're reading Dan Brown novels
Economics classes, buying lacrosse balls
Only getting in to affordable state schools
College internship with my friend who's a CPA
Maybe when you're 40 you can try out painting
Buying real estate like your dad was never able to do
You're gonna learn so much from my CPA friend
He's awesome
Learn to code, be a doctor
Live your life, coach soccer
(I know one thing)
My kids will be jocks
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4. |
RapFrancaise Un
00:41
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I really want to live in France does anyone have a gig there for me?
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5. |
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Sometimes to make a hit song you just need to sample a previous hit song and then rap over it
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6. |
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You came home after a hard day at the office
You were hungry so you went to the food closet
You opened that door, and you got pretty mad
Cause I went to the store, and I found out they had
A case of Gatorade, variety pack
All the different flavors, even arctic cherry
On sale for $21.99
So I bought 20 cases
(A love so rare)
You're mad cause I couldn't take you out to mexican food last night
You know I love mexican food, I really want to go, girl
But I emptied my bank account
So I could buy this Gatorade
Did you know I did that for you?
It wasn't cause I was just tokin', wokin' up and going to the grocery store
I know you need to get more hydrated
All of this Gatorade is for you
Lemon-lime and that one that is blue
I'm trynna show you that I love you
That's why I bought 10 cases of Gatorade for you
Yea maybe I shouldn't toke before I go to the grocery store
But you're always complaining about how you want more
water, you're dehydrated, so I'm trying to help you
You can get all of your electrolytes in a bottle or two
All of this Gatorade is for you
Lemon-lime and that one that is blue
I'm trynna show you that I love you
That's why I bought 10 cases of Gatorade for you
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7. |
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Man, it was a simpler time when I was a boy
Kids got cut from the bball team and no parents got annoyed
We drank our milk and help with chores and men acted like men
And every goddamn kid in school was a proud American
Yes every goddamn kid in school was a proud American
Yea, it was a simpler time when I was in 8th grade
Some kids got cut two years in a year; still that bball team, they never made
Then those kids would try a different sport, something like wrestling
Cause the wrestling team took anyone, guaranteed no cutting
Yea the wresting team said verbatim they took ANYONE, guaranteed no cutting
Then somehow one kid still wouldn't make the team, and that was fine
He knew the next fall, that would be his time to shine
So day one of soccer practice he's got cleats on, ready to play
But he forgets his medical slip so the coach doesn't let him play
Yea this stupid kid forgets his medical slip and then the coach doesn't let him play
MAN IT WAS A SIMPLER TIME
KIDS GOT CUT FROM TEAMS LEFT AND RIGHT
And some of those kids probably could have been good at basketball if the coach had been able to see potential, but that's ok, they turned out alright
They're dwelling on how they didn't get a chance to play on a school sports team
SOME KIDS ARE LATE BLOOMERS
They never think about how all those cuts fucked up their self-esteem
They're not dwelling on how all those cuts fucked up their self-esteem
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8. |
RapFrancaise Deux
01:03
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I think my French is getting pretty sick!
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9. |
Maddie Bowman
03:09
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In the valley of my depression
I wake to find no expectations
I have nothing and no one
And nowhere to go
So I flip my tv to Pyongchang
I see Maddie Bowman and I'm like, "DANG"
And I can't believe my eyes
It's like I'm seeing women's freestyle skiing
for the first time in my life
I see some chick slamming 720s
While she's also grabbing her skis
She's on the pipe catching gnarly air
My bleeding mouth hangs open whilst I stare
And I know I was a bloody corpse until this moment
In the wake of my revelation
I follow Maddie Bowman on instagram
Now she definitely knows who I am
It's like she's seeing Bryan Heveron
for the first time in her life
She understands the atrocities committed
By the two of us not freakin chilling
I was so numb until this day
I can only assume she feels the same way
She is F$*#(&ing fresh
But fate has a twisted, messed-up sense of humor
Cause I'm a snowboarder
So the fates of our life lines will never cross over
A snowboarder and a skier
Never the twain shall be chill
Me and Maddie can't hang out, it goes against Jesus's will
Maybe we'll meet in another life time
Where we can get wrecked in some gnarly powpow
But I always want you to know
You showed me women's freestyle skiing
For the first time
For the first time
For the first time
For the first time
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10. |
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Relationships...NOT easy
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11. |
If U Leave Me Now...
00:12
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Don't leave, girl
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12. |
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We were at the bar, I showed you my jeans
You were looking so good, you are my queen
You're an angel but you don't have wings
No you don't have wings, why don't you have wings?
I want you cause you're wantable
What's under your shirt and your pants, is it cool?
I want you cause you're wantable
What's under your shirt and your pants????????
You're beautiful because you're hot
You're beautiful because you're hot
You're beautiful because you're hot
You're beautiful because you're hot
I kinda wish you had wings
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13. |
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The edge of the bonfire we caught each other’s eye
Before I knew you grabbed my hand and I didn’t care why
You said, “the most important things are God, and what I’m going to show you”
I was younger then, I missed the warning sign
You pulled out your cell phone as I tried to kiss you
You said, “not right now, first watch this video”
A worldventures ad, this must be a bad dream
A worldventures ad, a pyramid scheme
What, what do I look like to you?
A guy who gets nervous to fight parking citations
And hangs by the chips and guac table at parties
Shoveling food to avoid conversations
I wish I could say that I walked right away
But I watched the whole video, it felt like it went on for days
Truth be told, I was still holding out for that kiss
I was 28, there’s no good excuse for this
You asked if I was serious, I tried to clarify
“Serious? You mean about us?”
“No, serious...you know what I mean
Serious about my pyramid scheme"
What, what do I look like to you?
A wannabe stoner who can't properly inhale
A dreamer whose highest aspiration
Is guest starring on Teen Wolf or on Riverdale
You stormed away
You stormed away
You stormed away
You left me alone in the woods
You stormed away and I felt a pang of guilt within
Cause I’m the kind of guy who’d probably confess to a murder I wasn’t involved in
I chased after you with one thing to say
This is the chance of a lifetime, I won’t let it slip away
Let’s build a pyramid, girl
Let’s build a pyramid, girl
Let's build a pyramid
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14. |
Your Dad By the Window
02:33
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Junior prom
Grinding to TLC
Good good times
I head home with Ashley
Her dad shakes my hand
He likes me I can tell
He strung up
Christmas lights on the front porch
Ashley kisses me
I feel like a confident groomsman
Then I turn around
What do I see?
Her dad looking out the window
With a big smile on his face
He’s watching watching watching watching
Got a dad by the window grinning watching us kiss
I’m not one to be alarmed but I just can’t get into this
With a dad by the window grinning watching us kiss
No question based on his face, this dad is enjoying this
That July
I’m operating rides
At the amusement park
(Easy summer job)
I’m on log flume duty
Sitting on top of the world
I just yell at kids who stand up on the ride
Then this dad rolls up
To the top of the log flume
Soaked and beaming beaming beaming beaming
Got a dad on the log flume beaming watching me sit
Different dad than the dad by the window grinning watching us kiss
Two dads in the song, it’ll get too long with the other dads in the mix
Lots of dads in the closet of the suburbs where I lived
All these suburban dads gotta come out
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15. |
RapFrancaise Trois
00:41
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OUI J'ADORE L'ETAMPES
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16. |
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Droppin bangers all day
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17. |
Big Sheah
00:28
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Just another sappy love song
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18. |
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I've always wanted to take another crack at my presidential campaign speech from 9th grade.
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19. |
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From the rubbery shores of Lake Erie
To the freshwater hills in the south of Ohio
We loudly shout our “yips” and our “woos”
As the pride of Camp Shantyho
So let’s DRINK GIN blossom tea, yumyumyum!
And SMOKE meats on the patio
Then have SEXtets of the finest musicians
Sing us to sleep at Camp Shantyho
We fill up our tummies in the mess hall
With stews made of rabbit and boar WILD BOAR
Our white flag hangs like a giant panda
O’er the greasy canoes on the shore
Let’s take shots of RUMmaging forest creatures with our phones
And SMOKE hot licks on the banjo
Then have SEXism completely eradicated
Starting with Camp Shantyho
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Brian Heveron-Smith Brooklyn, New York
New solo album The Great Heveron is out! Also check out my many albums of music from the web series Gayle.
My videos:
www.youtube.com/channel/UC-fdzympAmnctiOsqyuOFhA
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