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The Great Heveron

by Brian Heveron-Smith

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1.
SHOUTOUTS 00:40
Just gotta shout out some people before I get this album started
2.
Jenna, when we were 19 I stayed with you in college and I slept on your floor (like a peekanese) You told me I could share the bed with you I just didn't really get what you were going for Well now I'm 32 years old I rent an apartment and the shower doesn't work And it kinda looks like you're married but I can't tell Well can I take you up on that? Cause I'm living in a studio apartment with my ex Can I take you up on that? We could have mediocre sex Christie, in 8th grade you told your friends You were gonna give me brain that weekend My school counselor overheard and he told me I should tell you "Let's just be friends" He called me to his office To chat about oral Then I promptly broke up with you Cause he made it sound immoral My counselor said I could come back Anytime I wanted to have another chat Mr Kerns, Can I take you up on that? I just went through a break-up, I could use some reassurance Can I take you up on that? And I can't find a therapist who takes my insurance Trish, at the end of 8th grade You signed my yearbook with your number You said I should come over that summer You told me that your dad is such a great drummer Now I'm wise and I realize Your dad told you to do that cause he wanted more drum students And I showed some potential and interest But I was never slickest, fastest, loudest, or quickest Though I was a limp wrist, your dad must have witnessed A stick flip or a rim click that piqued his interest (young Brian plays a jazz-samba groove on the skins) Can I take your Dad up on that? Cause I'm still not where I would like to be as a drummer Can I take your Dad up on that? Me and your pops doing rudiments all summer Can I take your Dad up on that? Maybe he could help with me with my flimsy left wrist Can I take your Dad up on that? Could your Dad also double as my therapist?
3.
I grew up tickling the ivories Playing Ravel & Debussy I didn't have time for hockey or football I was aiming for Carnegie Hall Still haven't made that Carnegie debut And all these music dreams I outgrew Sometimes I wanna smash my piano And get a job selling sporting goods in ohio I've worked for every children's theater company And I spent way too many nights playing timpani I wanna meet a corn-fed girl who doesn't need to live in cities And we'll spend our days riding atvs & jet skis ATVs & jet skis I think I'm done, it's time to have some fun ATVs & jet skis Riding on dirt bikes, crashing into my house And all of our kids will be jocks I'll raise em to be champs I'll put creatine in their tater tots So they can runkickjumpover skateboard ramps I'll give my children a very strict rule: "Beat up the music theater kids at school" No son of mine is singing Jason Robert Brown Hell no you're not gonna play pipe organ And my daughter will be really good at hockey So good that they'll call her the next Wayne Gretsky She'll make so much money shooting pucks at ladies And my son might grow up to manage an Applebee's Applebees & Gretsky's Yea yea yea yea yea my kids will be jocks Applebee's and Gretsky's Because the arts are a gaping hell hole I was always told that when I got older the jocks would be washing my car I've never seen those jocks working at a car wash The jocks all seem to have good jobs in finance or hotel management They have cute dogs and they're reading Dan Brown novels Economics classes, buying lacrosse balls Only getting in to affordable state schools College internship with my friend who's a CPA Maybe when you're 40 you can try out painting Buying real estate like your dad was never able to do You're gonna learn so much from my CPA friend He's awesome Learn to code, be a doctor Live your life, coach soccer (I know one thing) My kids will be jocks
4.
I really want to live in France does anyone have a gig there for me?
5.
Sometimes to make a hit song you just need to sample a previous hit song and then rap over it
6.
You came home after a hard day at the office You were hungry so you went to the food closet You opened that door, and you got pretty mad Cause I went to the store, and I found out they had A case of Gatorade, variety pack All the different flavors, even arctic cherry On sale for $21.99 So I bought 20 cases (A love so rare) You're mad cause I couldn't take you out to mexican food last night You know I love mexican food, I really want to go, girl But I emptied my bank account So I could buy this Gatorade Did you know I did that for you? It wasn't cause I was just tokin', wokin' up and going to the grocery store I know you need to get more hydrated All of this Gatorade is for you Lemon-lime and that one that is blue I'm trynna show you that I love you That's why I bought 10 cases of Gatorade for you Yea maybe I shouldn't toke before I go to the grocery store But you're always complaining about how you want more water, you're dehydrated, so I'm trying to help you You can get all of your electrolytes in a bottle or two All of this Gatorade is for you Lemon-lime and that one that is blue I'm trynna show you that I love you That's why I bought 10 cases of Gatorade for you
7.
Man, it was a simpler time when I was a boy Kids got cut from the bball team and no parents got annoyed We drank our milk and help with chores and men acted like men And every goddamn kid in school was a proud American Yes every goddamn kid in school was a proud American Yea, it was a simpler time when I was in 8th grade Some kids got cut two years in a year; still that bball team, they never made Then those kids would try a different sport, something like wrestling Cause the wrestling team took anyone, guaranteed no cutting Yea the wresting team said verbatim they took ANYONE, guaranteed no cutting Then somehow one kid still wouldn't make the team, and that was fine He knew the next fall, that would be his time to shine So day one of soccer practice he's got cleats on, ready to play But he forgets his medical slip so the coach doesn't let him play Yea this stupid kid forgets his medical slip and then the coach doesn't let him play MAN IT WAS A SIMPLER TIME KIDS GOT CUT FROM TEAMS LEFT AND RIGHT And some of those kids probably could have been good at basketball if the coach had been able to see potential, but that's ok, they turned out alright They're dwelling on how they didn't get a chance to play on a school sports team SOME KIDS ARE LATE BLOOMERS They never think about how all those cuts fucked up their self-esteem They're not dwelling on how all those cuts fucked up their self-esteem
8.
I think my French is getting pretty sick!
9.
In the valley of my depression I wake to find no expectations I have nothing and no one And nowhere to go So I flip my tv to Pyongchang I see Maddie Bowman and I'm like, "DANG" And I can't believe my eyes It's like I'm seeing women's freestyle skiing for the first time in my life I see some chick slamming 720s While she's also grabbing her skis She's on the pipe catching gnarly air My bleeding mouth hangs open whilst I stare And I know I was a bloody corpse until this moment In the wake of my revelation I follow Maddie Bowman on instagram Now she definitely knows who I am It's like she's seeing Bryan Heveron for the first time in her life She understands the atrocities committed By the two of us not freakin chilling I was so numb until this day I can only assume she feels the same way She is F$*#(&ing fresh But fate has a twisted, messed-up sense of humor Cause I'm a snowboarder So the fates of our life lines will never cross over A snowboarder and a skier Never the twain shall be chill Me and Maddie can't hang out, it goes against Jesus's will Maybe we'll meet in another life time Where we can get wrecked in some gnarly powpow But I always want you to know You showed me women's freestyle skiing For the first time For the first time For the first time For the first time
10.
Relationships...NOT easy
11.
Don't leave, girl
12.
We were at the bar, I showed you my jeans You were looking so good, you are my queen You're an angel but you don't have wings No you don't have wings, why don't you have wings? I want you cause you're wantable What's under your shirt and your pants, is it cool? I want you cause you're wantable What's under your shirt and your pants???????? You're beautiful because you're hot You're beautiful because you're hot You're beautiful because you're hot You're beautiful because you're hot I kinda wish you had wings
13.
The edge of the bonfire we caught each other’s eye Before I knew you grabbed my hand and I didn’t care why You said, “the most important things are God, and what I’m going to show you” I was younger then, I missed the warning sign You pulled out your cell phone as I tried to kiss you You said, “not right now, first watch this video” A worldventures ad, this must be a bad dream A worldventures ad, a pyramid scheme What, what do I look like to you? A guy who gets nervous to fight parking citations And hangs by the chips and guac table at parties Shoveling food to avoid conversations I wish I could say that I walked right away But I watched the whole video, it felt like it went on for days Truth be told, I was still holding out for that kiss I was 28, there’s no good excuse for this You asked if I was serious, I tried to clarify “Serious? You mean about us?” “No, serious...you know what I mean Serious about my pyramid scheme" What, what do I look like to you? A wannabe stoner who can't properly inhale A dreamer whose highest aspiration Is guest starring on Teen Wolf or on Riverdale You stormed away You stormed away You stormed away You left me alone in the woods You stormed away and I felt a pang of guilt within Cause I’m the kind of guy who’d probably confess to a murder I wasn’t involved in I chased after you with one thing to say This is the chance of a lifetime, I won’t let it slip away Let’s build a pyramid, girl Let’s build a pyramid, girl Let's build a pyramid
14.
Junior prom Grinding to TLC Good good times I head home with Ashley Her dad shakes my hand He likes me I can tell He strung up Christmas lights on the front porch Ashley kisses me I feel like a confident groomsman Then I turn around What do I see? Her dad looking out the window With a big smile on his face He’s watching watching watching watching Got a dad by the window grinning watching us kiss I’m not one to be alarmed but I just can’t get into this With a dad by the window grinning watching us kiss No question based on his face, this dad is enjoying this That July I’m operating rides At the amusement park (Easy summer job) I’m on log flume duty Sitting on top of the world I just yell at kids who stand up on the ride Then this dad rolls up To the top of the log flume Soaked and beaming beaming beaming beaming Got a dad on the log flume beaming watching me sit Different dad than the dad by the window grinning watching us kiss Two dads in the song, it’ll get too long with the other dads in the mix Lots of dads in the closet of the suburbs where I lived All these suburban dads gotta come out
15.
OUI J'ADORE L'ETAMPES
16.
Droppin bangers all day
17.
Big Sheah 00:28
Just another sappy love song
18.
I've always wanted to take another crack at my presidential campaign speech from 9th grade.
19.
From the rubbery shores of Lake Erie To the freshwater hills in the south of Ohio We loudly shout our “yips” and our “woos” As the pride of Camp Shantyho So let’s DRINK GIN blossom tea, yumyumyum! And SMOKE meats on the patio Then have SEXtets of the finest musicians Sing us to sleep at Camp Shantyho We fill up our tummies in the mess hall With stews made of rabbit and boar WILD BOAR Our white flag hangs like a giant panda O’er the greasy canoes on the shore Let’s take shots of RUMmaging forest creatures with our phones And SMOKE hot licks on the banjo Then have SEXism completely eradicated Starting with Camp Shantyho

credits

released December 17, 2018

All songs written & arranged by Brian Heveron-Smith

Mixing: Eric Heveron-Smith

Mastering: Frank Wartinger

Cover Art: Sarah Heveron-Smith; portrait photo by Max Kanowitz

Brian Heveron-Smith: lead & bg vox, piano, pipe organ, synths, live drums, fake drums, glockenspiel, other percussion toys, electric & acoustic guitar, accordion, melodica

Eric Heveron-Smith: electric bass, tr**pet, acoustic guitar, bg vox

Tom Lowery: sax on Can I Take U Up On That?

Bernie Heveron: dobro on Simpler Times

Sean Lowery: electric bass on You're Beautiful Because You're Hot

Frank Wartinger: electric guitar on Pyramid Girl

Guest Vox: Chris Fleming, Mimi Hilaire, Melissa Strype, Sean Lowery, Sarah Gummoe, Holly Heveron-Smith, Sarah Heveron-Smith, Matt Osika, Kayla Osika

Special Thanks: My rents & all my extended family, the Uhls, CCH, Meaghan Strickland, Tim Lamphier, Sarah Cowdery, Carla Stickler, ALL my guest vocalists & musicians.

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Brian Heveron-Smith Brooklyn, New York

New solo album The Great Heveron is out! Also check out my many albums of music from the web series Gayle.

My videos:
www.youtube.com/channel/UC-fdzympAmnctiOsqyuOFhA

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